Weenit's final quote of 2007...

"There is not much left of me but what you forgot of me, and that my darling is my fault. But it would be a lie to say in the years to come that I will remember to care."

I'd be lying if I said I'd miss you...

I think most of you are with me as we gladly usher out this year and say,"So long Jack, now don't ya come back!" I'd waste my time and tell you all why I didn't much enjoy this year, but then again if you were a loyal reader who deserved to know then you would already know, wouldn't you? And if you didn't catch that, go back and read my last year in blogs; then you'll see why I am so glad a new year is starting fresh. I've got a lot of leftover crap to deal with from 07, but as soon as all of that is over I am going to sit back with a warm cup of tea, take in the sunshine, and strategically map out my plans for the next year. Yes! I do have a plan, I know, not like me at all. But the thing is, I am seriously considering moving with my sister and her husband to good 'Ole Canada to shoot coyotes and learn to play ice hockey.

This major transplant wont take effect until June, but I have so many loose ends to tie up by then. For starts I have to work out an arrangement with my ex-husband regarding how visitation with my son will work. This will require lawyers, which require money. Oh, and I have to save up a nice little nest egg because Canada requires you to have a preset amount in your pocket to move into the country, I guess they want to make sure you wont starve to death. I'll also need to buy a truck, and find a job in Canada, and apply for a work visa.

I've got a lot to do...

I'n the mean time, I am going to do my best to forget this year ever even happened.

Happy New Years loves!


Good one Mr. Grinch....

All I am going to say about Christmas is, I must have been very naughty because you know what I got for Christmas? The Flu... Yep, and dinner was ruined because my sister's were fighting, and I didn't get to spend much time with James.

At least my wish did come true and we got a white Christmas, but we all secretly know I wanted what someone else got. Doesn't matter, I'm going to try and keep a positive outlook on things. I am sure there is still a smile left in here somewhere. Just give me a minute to find it.



Golly lagging?

As in, "If she would stop golly lagging around and and injecting the pork we could get off to the store."

Does anyone really use that word any more? I would like to know what dusty dictionary my sister found that one in...

Talking about physics over a few drinks...

My sister was explaining to her husband and I Newton's law of relativity after we mixed it up with Murphy's law (What ever can go wrong will go wrong). Anyways, apparently Newton's law of relativity explains how something gains mass as it moves faster, but that law also proves that it is not possible to move faster than light. Don't ask me how it proves that, I had nodded off into my own little world filled puppies and butterflies.

Being the Einstein that I am I said, "Don't you think their might be a way around that? Like, maybe we could totally bend light, or something!"

And my brother in law said, "No because then you start creating creatures. Your spaceship will start pooping out cats and dogs."

And I said, "Well then how far would you have to bend to start spitting out people?"

And he said, "that happens when your engine is burning up oil and stuff, and you know it ain't going to pass emissions."

You may need to read this blog I wrote a few days ago to get the joke, particularly the line that reads,"Many believe the Anunnaki were an alien species who came to earth, and with their ability to bend light created man kind in their likeness."

Holiday cheer, wish you were here!

It's Christmas eve, though for me it does not quite feel like Christmas. Sure, I put up my very own Christmas tree with tinsel and all, I've downloaded a butt load of holiday music on itunes, I've had plenty of time off to relax, and I even ate part of a gingerbread house, so I'm not so sure whats missing...

Oh, right, there is a lot missing. For starters, I'd really love maybe some snow this Christmas, and what about the huge family feasts we once enjoyed? Since we have all grown up, grown out, and moved on, it's increasingly difficult to get us all together. Sure, my mom, sister, brother in law and I will probably retire the evening with a few martinis and a few movies. And sure, we will all get together tomorrow for dinner, and most likely a few more cocktails. But I remember the days when both of my sister's were there, when my grandmother would carve the turkey, and when my Aunt Cheryl and Uncle Dan ran in circles after my obnoxious younger cousins. Amongst the massive hoard of relatives we always kept a few open spaces at the table for close friends like Merideth, A.J. and Rose, who didn't need an invite or an excuse to pop in and share some holiday spirit.

And what about the tree? I may have one here at my apartment, but I won't be here, I'll be at my Mom's house. I know the last time I was there, which was only a few days ago, she did not have the tree up, and I am not so sure she has or will put it up, and even if she did the only gifts under it would be for James. None of us exchange gifts anymore, it's something none of us have the energy for. It use to be that giving a gift was a fantastic thing, but once you grow up it just becomes a headache. First, you have to go to the store and buy the damn thing, need I say more? And then second, you have to wrap it. By this point you are lucky if you have managed to find a gift that isn't totally shitty, and managed to wrap it without making it look totally shitty. Then you have to make sure to either get it in the mail on time, or in the mist of insanity not leave it at home on your way to the party. I was never good at any of those things, mostly because I hate shopping, I hate wrapping, and I am one forgetful motherfucker. So, to conclude my long winded point, I don't mind much that we don't exchange presents, plus do you know how much money we save every year?

But I do miss the large family gatherings that always brought a flush to my cheeks and a warm feeling in my stomach. I just have one holiday wish, It's the same wish I've had for a few years now. I just wish to one Christmas wake up and have a warm and loving family of my own to share those holiday spirits with. You know, a husband I love and enjoy to curl up next to on the couch as we watch the kids open presents in a cozy home warmed by the heat of the fireplace. I know I have a lot of years before I will ever see even a hope or possibility of that Christmas wish coming true. Hell, I'd be lucky if I don't die a bitter old and lonely woman, but I do like to fancy myself with the thought.

I really don't know why I feel the need to whine, I just get like this around the holidays, but truth is I know I'm lucky I have someone to spend Christmas with, while people like Bob will probably spend the day drinking themselves to oblivion and trying to forget the countless Christmas day's spent alone.

The only question now is, what movies should I watch tonight?


3rd blog of the day, and then I am done I swear...

I really need to get back to work! With out a meaningless and repetitive task to keep me busy I start to go a bit insane. Though, I did manage to have a few conversations with people from my past today, both of which I thought were a bit odd. The first was a continuation of a conversation from yesterday, but it ended suddenly. We were chatting about my new job and then his end of the line went dead, I called him back and just got voicemail. It's not a big deal really, I assume his phone went dead and he was off into the shower anyways, but still something inside me wonders if it happened on purpose. I remember a long time ago when he'd hung up on me mid-conversation because his girlfriend walked into the room. Considering our relationship now is not what it was then I'll just assume that's not the case, but I know in the back of my mind it will still be there bugging me, especially if he doesn't attempt to call back.
The second was with someone I use to see. Our relationship ended all at my fault, because I was such a mess, and I still owe him an apology. the reason it seemed odd was because I wasn't sure the reason for the conversation. We stopped talking some time ago, and since then not so much as an email. Not until today anyways. Hmmm. I don't know what to make of it, I'm sure there isn't anything to make of it, so maybe I'll just put it in a bubble and blow it away (resist the urge to psychoanalyze).

Lets talk about religion, baby...

Am I crossing a line here? Will I find religious radicals standing at my front door with protest signs? I doubt it, because if that were to happen to me it would have occurred long ago. But I do know this particular post will offend a good deal of people, mainly people very strong and defensive in their religious beliefs. So here is my disclosure: If there is any way possible you might feel the need to send me email filled with unnecessary capitalized letters telling me I may burn in hell for my beliefs or lack there of, or if you might feel the need to convert me, don't read past the dotted line.

Dotted line ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

OK great. Wait, I sense that some of you radicals are still reading. Fine then, it's your funeral...

If you have not figured it out by now, I am an Atheist. However, I am in no means a pushy one. I realize their is a possibility I may be wrong and will therefore be convicted to an eternity of purgatory. My point being, I don't assume any one religious belief is correct, I don't assume I am correct. I only choose to be an Atheist because no one religion can prove to me that a God or supreme being exist, and I relie heavily in reason, equation, and solid visible proof. I know the Christians will tell you to have faith that God exists, and I say what a bunch of crap. The Catholics try to scare the shit out of you by saying "believe or burn in hell." To bad for them scare tactics never worked well on me. And the Mormons, they try to sweeten the deal by making outrageous promise of things to come upon death, and lets just say I am a being motivated primarily by instant gratification. It's not likely you will catch me working so damned hard for something I won't see till I die.

But Catholicism, Christianity, Mormonism, and even Atheism are just a few of many beliefs out there. Recently my sister, who started as a Baptist, like myself, then became Atheist of some bizarre sort, then turned Mormon because she married one, is now considering a new faith, or should I call it a following? I think a following would be the appropriate term, considering it's not a religion, but a belief of creationism that has managed to explain the origin of religion, extra terrestrial existence, and even gave an explanation to the polytheist beliefs of the Sumerian people. This following is know as the belief of the Anunnaki. Go ahead, look it up on Wikipedia. But truth is, Wikipedia doesn't do the Anunnaki justice, so let me sum up the belief of the Anunnaki in one long sentence. Many believe the Anunnaki were an alien species who came to earth, and with their ability to bend light created man kind in their likeness to use as slaves that harvested gold, because gold just so happens to be a metal that makes them live longer lives, and earth just so happened to be full of it. So there you have it. We were created by alien beings as slaves, so why are they not around any longer whipping us and forcing us to haul loads of gold? Well, the belief goes on that eventually, the Anunnaki had an internal war because they believed enslaving us was wrong, much like the war against black slavery in America so many years ago. When I researched the Anunnaki I got a lot of interesting and bizarre information. Some people consider themselves to be mediums who can channel back to the Anunnaki and see how things played out. Other people claim to have visions of devastating wars, and mythical beings with insane powers, but most write it off as an undeveloped religious belief of the ancient times.

I find it fascinating, not to say I am a believer in any way, but I do think for those of us open minded to learning about different creation theories, and different religious views, you may want to read a little more about the Anunnaki. I suggest checking out this site, but be forewarned, the woman who wrote this site is in no way credible as she claims most of her information came through channeling by her and another psychic.

You can also read about it a bit more in detail on a site containing an article written by a leader of the Anunnaki studies, Zecharia Sitchin, on this site here. On this site they claim there is one source of DNA for all life on earth, except Humans, who harbor 223 genes that did not come from any predecessors in the genome pool, they are known as alien genomes. Believers of the Anunnaki believe this happened when the Anunnaki people mated with us, their slaves (much like slave owners were known to do here in America).

You can also read about it a bit more here, so go on be curious, click the link. What could it hurt?

And then lets all give a hand of applause to my sister for once again filling the minds of others with conspiracy theories. Maybe next week I'll spend a few hours writing about her theories on the government and health care systems to infuse us all with cancer.

A crazy week, a weird week, just a week....

I had an interview yesterday, and I think I got hired. Or at least the General Manager told me to come in on Saturday, though I am not sure if it is a temporary trial period, or what because the interview went very easy. I am so excited, and so nervous at the same time. It's been so long since I have done anything but pizza that It's going to be weird for me to learn all the nooks and crannies of a new place, I hope I do well. On a side note that darling man called me yesterday, and I hate to admit it but I did not recognize his voice. And how could that be considering it's tone haunts me in my dreams constantly? It was lovely to hear from him, though I have yet to return his call and let him know how my interview went. (Side note: as soon as the kid is gone and brother in law is off to work, return phone call) Got it.

And then tomorrow is my baby sister's birthday, wow. She is growing up so fast.

I hear the annoying voice of a toddler screaming my name, I'll be back...Tomorrow...


Great timming grandma!

We were watching the third Spiderman movie today, and when it came to the part near the end where Spidey's granny makes a visit to his shabby dig my friend got a little perturbed because apparently, "Grandmothers don't just drop in for a five minute visit, especially when they have to go all the way down town. It's not very believable."

It didn't occur to me till just now how ridiculous it is for her to be so concerned about the realistic nature of Grandma's visit when there is a man who can spin spider webs. Hello, did she not see that part or what?

Anyways, not but twenty minutes later someone buzzes up from the front door, and no joke, but it was my Grandma. She was just dropping by to say hi, stayed no more than five minutes. and yes, she traveled all the way from the boonies to the inner city to see me.

I bet she didn't see that one coming.

Conversations with a five year old....

After a good friend of mine kicked me ruthlessly in the butt, teased me for being so lazy today, and then jokingly called me a bad mom within earshot of my toddler, he chimed in and retaliated with, "Merideth! My mommy is not a bad mommy, she just likes to beat kids."

Wait a minute, I do? What the? Where the? This kid is lucky he never had my stepfather as a parental figure, or he would actually know what a beating is. But seriously, he didn't help my case with the whole bad mom thing.

And later he told me he was remembering a time when he was a really cute baby inside my tummy. Of course, this was before he was born and wrecked havoc.


Feeling a little low on the totem pole...

I went to one of my best friend's graduation parties last night. It was a fun party, but being as I am currently unemployed and feeling more like a burden on society than anything else, I wasn't in much of a party mood. I am so happy to see her graduate college and do something successful with her life, but I can't lie, standing next to her and her light of success I am feeling way lame. I went to college, not once, not twice, but four different times. And it never quite worked for me, and not because I am incapable of learning, but because of everything else. Being a single mother, working full time to pay the bills, spending numerous hours in a class room, and then I am suppose to find time to study and do homework? There isn't enough time in the day. And yes, I have tried the online thing, but it always ends with me being way over stressed and dropping out.
So there I was thinking about how I wish I could melt into the ground and pretend like I didn't exist. Or at least wish I could have had the opportunity to grow up the right way, not the quick way. But that's what i get for running off and having and baby and getting married at such a young age. I hope when he is old enough I'll get a second chance to do things the right way, without the dorm rooms.


You know your head is in the clouds when...

You go to put on a pair of pants and realize you already have a pair on. It wasn't me, it was A.J. but still funny.

Anyways, I got fired, so commence day one of unemployment, for in a day or two I start work again... Should my unemployment break be longer?


A new years I wish...

This year I decided to ex nay on the new years resolutions, considering after I read my new years blog from last year and realized I hadn't accomplished a single one, and make a few new years wishes.

First, I wish never to have another hangover again.

Second, I wish to be just as content single next year as I am now.

Third, I wish to spend one last night in the arms of the man who constantly haunts my dreams, but only as one last memorable moment before I let go, which is something I am finally ready to do.

And finally, I wish to conquer all my inverted and emotional turmoil, because letting go is hard, but not knowing what comes after his harder...

Bless this new year, it will be my first spent humbly.

Weenit's quote of the day...

Here is something my baby cousin wrote on her blog, and it really struck a cord with me, maybe because I suffered my first and only breakdown, and her quote shead some light on the subject...

"If you have a mental breakdown and fall to you knees, it only has meaning to you. The world doesn't give a shit, and when it's all said and done you still have to stand up and walk away. You can't just melt. You still exist, and so does the rest of the world. " - Stephanie Ashburn

She has a way with being blunt and to the point while keeping it poetic doesn't she? My question is, why hasn't she been published yet?


Are you kidding me?!?! And other phrases of surprise...

I love food, and I hate that I love food. Particularly, I hate that I love all the little things that make perfectly healthy food bad for you, like mayonnaise, butter, dressings, sugar, and even creams.
Yesterday I had a meeting with my trainer to go over the things I have been eating so he could tell me I was a ummm, what's that word? The one in the bible they describe as one of the seven deadly sins... Oh right, gluttonous pig. Anyways, the thing he doesn't know is since I have been working with him I have seriously cut out a lot of bad foods, though he still wants me to cut back more. He wrote down the guidelines he wants me to stay in for things like calories, carbs, and fat. When I saw what he wrote, saw how little of everything I could actually consume, well lets just say I'm lucky I didn't shit myself.
As far as the guidelines, he says a girl my age should only consume about 1100 calories a day, 105 grams of protein, 116 grams of carbs, and 25 grams of fat. This seriously sucks, and is causing serious life altering induced mayhem. For example, every morning I like to have two eggs over easy with a slice of toast lightly buttered. The trainer said ex nay on the egg yolks and the butter, so now I have two hard boiled eggs without the yolks, a slice of bread, maybe with a piece of lean ham or turkey, or maybe just a bit of hummus. and do you know what kind of insanity that kind fo change in my daily routine causes? And my coffee, lets just say it's straight black or it's none at all, and we all know I like my coffee like I like my men..... Erhm, let's not go there. Though I do have to admit that since I have started drinking plain black coffee I finally understand why people get all in a hype about their coffee beans. with all that sugar and cream I use to put in my coffee it didn't really matter how good or bad the coffee it's self was, but I can definitely tell the difference between my generic big Ol' can O' coffee grounds verses the fresh ground, slow roasted beans they use to make their coffee at Metropolitan Coffee downtown.
Coffee beans aside, I can no longer have my delicious cup of chi tea that I usually grab (also at Metropolitan Coffee) while waiting for my bus, which is the whole reason I decided to try black coffee. Gee, I sure do miss the creamy goodness of my Chi Tea. And mayonnaise, oh how I miss it's creamy goodness on my sandwich, and oh how I miss sandwiches. They have far too many carbs and fat. If I do decide to have a sandwich, it has to be made out of whole grain wheat bread, and instead of Mayonnaise I have to pile on the mustard. For a long time I never liked mustard, but I didn't know you could pile on as much as you wanted with out worry because mustard has very little calories and carbs. Long story short, mustard is my new best friend. And now I can understand why my good friend Merideth likes to suck on mustard packets when she is hungry.
But of all the meals I have to survive through out the day, dinner is the worst, aside from the glass of Muscle Milk Light I am required to drink every day to get that protein. I use to love dinner, but how can someone love dinner when it only includes some chunk of lean meat like chicken or beef, maybe a hard boiled egg, some vegetables, and a small salad with fat free vinaigrette dressing? You might as well tell me to eat poo every night for dinner, OK, maybe not poo. but really, why can't I have a baked potato, if I promise to cut out the butter and sour cream? Oh right, no starch or carbs after dark. And why can't I have a little ranch to dip the vegetables in or cover my salad with? Oh right, then I would have consumed all my fat intake for the day in one tiny teaspoon. And did I mention when I have a nightcap it has to be straight up or on the rocks? I'll have to kiss my beloved threesomes with Jack and Coke goodbye, and stick monogamously with Jack.

But did I mention I am getting a six pack? Or that I feel leaner and stronger by every day, though my weight fluctuates every time I step on that damn scale. My trainer contributes this to menstruating or something, even thought menstruating is not something I have in common with the rest of the worlds women, so it can't be that. I like to think maybe when I weigh a bit heavier it's because I haven't pooped yet that morning.

Anyways, enough about poop. Last I checked I weighed in at a mighty 140 pounds. I hope with this strict diet I'll be down 5 to 10 pounds by next week. Boy, do I have unrealistic expectations! But we will see. Now time for some calisthenics and a few sit ups.


Her words were a slap in the face..

My baby cousin wrote something on her blog, weather it was direct quote from her or something she absorbed elsewhere, it struck me as so very true. She wrote:

"If you have a mental breakdown and fall to you knees, it only has meaning to you. The world doesn't give a shit, and when it's all said and done you still have to stand up and walk away. You can't just melt. You still exist, and so does the rest of the world."

Been there, done that, but never looked at it with such perspective. It makes my breakdown seem so meaningless in the grandeur of this massive world.



Tonight, from the first time since I have moved away from my Mother's house, I thought to myself as I stared out my balcony window, "This feels like home. I see that streetlight, and the downtown cityscape, it feels like home. All I need is a Christmas tree to make it solid."

It's a weird feeling.....