It's Christmas eve, though for me it does not quite feel like Christmas. Sure, I put up my very own Christmas tree with tinsel and all, I've downloaded a butt load of holiday music on itunes, I've had plenty of time off to relax, and I even ate part of a gingerbread house, so I'm not so sure whats missing...
Oh, right, there is a lot missing. For starters, I'd really love maybe some snow this Christmas, and what about the huge family feasts we once enjoyed? Since we have all grown up, grown out, and moved on, it's increasingly difficult to get us all together. Sure, my mom, sister, brother in law and I will probably retire the evening with a few martinis and a few movies. And sure, we will all get together tomorrow for dinner, and most likely a few more cocktails. But I remember the days when both of my sister's were there, when my grandmother would carve the turkey, and when my Aunt Cheryl and Uncle Dan ran in circles after my obnoxious younger cousins. Amongst the massive hoard of relatives we always kept a few open spaces at the table for close friends like Merideth, A.J. and Rose, who didn't need an invite or an excuse to pop in and share some holiday spirit.
And what about the tree? I may have one here at my apartment, but I won't be here, I'll be at my Mom's house. I know the last time I was there, which was only a few days ago, she did not have the tree up, and I am not so sure she has or will put it up, and even if she did the only gifts under it would be for James. None of us exchange gifts anymore, it's something none of us have the energy for. It use to be that giving a gift was a fantastic thing, but once you grow up it just becomes a headache. First, you have to go to the store and buy the damn thing, need I say more? And then second, you have to wrap it. By this point you are lucky if you have managed to find a gift that isn't totally shitty, and managed to wrap it without making it look totally shitty. Then you have to make sure to either get it in the mail on time, or in the mist of insanity not leave it at home on your way to the party. I was never good at any of those things, mostly because I hate shopping, I hate wrapping, and I am one forgetful motherfucker. So, to conclude my long winded point, I don't mind much that we don't exchange presents, plus do you know how much money we save every year?
But I do miss the large family gatherings that always brought a flush to my cheeks and a warm feeling in my stomach. I just have one holiday wish, It's the same wish I've had for a few years now. I just wish to one Christmas wake up and have a warm and loving family of my own to share those holiday spirits with. You know, a husband I love and enjoy to curl up next to on the couch as we watch the kids open presents in a cozy home warmed by the heat of the fireplace. I know I have a lot of years before I will ever see even a hope or possibility of that Christmas wish coming true. Hell, I'd be lucky if I don't die a bitter old and lonely woman, but I do like to fancy myself with the thought.
I really don't know why I feel the need to whine, I just get like this around the holidays, but truth is I know I'm lucky I have someone to spend Christmas with, while people like Bob will probably spend the day drinking themselves to oblivion and trying to forget the countless Christmas day's spent alone.
The only question now is, what movies should I watch tonight?