Please go fuck yourself. Without lube. Just you and your dry flaky hand.
In fact, I bet that is what you're doing right now, instead of fixing my broken service. What else could you have been doing for the last THREE months? Seriously, and every time I call about it things only get worse. Which leads me to believe you must just be fucking with me.
It's not nice, so knock it off please.
All I want is to be able to drunk text people and receive their responses, is that too much to ask? seriously, text messaging is a very ineffective tool if it only works one way. I feel like a deaf person having a verbal conversation with someone else. They may be picking up what I'm laying down but I'll be damned if I have any clue what's going on.
So there I was in this amazing city called San Francisco, I'm sure you've heard of it, somewhere on the west coast? California? No? Not ringing any bells? Wikipedia it and lets move on...
So there I was in the gorgeous city with the boyfriend drinking something called a Ramos Fizz, yeah, it's a fucking cocktail with a raw egg in it. You wouldn't think liquor and raw egg mixed well but there are apparently many things I need to learn.
Anyways, there we were drinking Ramos Fizz in my newest favorite city in the USA. It was awesome. And hot, as in sexy hot, not hot hot, it is San Francisco in march after all.
then the very next day I follow Justin to the 24 hours of Lemons competition, and all the class and beauty of San Francisco went out the window, or exhaust...
Yes ladies and gentlemen, that is a grown man wearing a diaper, on the OUTSIDE of his pants! Who has the number to FailBlog? This is what 24 hours of lemons is all about.
Watching a lemons race is a lot like watching a gay pride festival. Except, there are race cars instead of floats, and rednecks and gear heads instead of gays. I'm still trying to decide which one gets weirder. More on that later.
The basic rule of Lemons is that your car must be a complete piece of shit. For example...
Yeah, that thing is a race car, as in, it actually drove in the race... Fast. However, I think the license plate is new...
And they had a very frightened passenger...
Here are a few other Lemons cars...
The side of the Mini says, "100% free or BMW parts." Also free of windows, passengers seats, any class at all...
Ever wonder what they do with the old demolition cars? Now you know.
this one I just don't get.
Officially, this is the fastest hot dog I have ever seen, ever.
On the side of their car it said, "Pilots do it better!" Too bad their car crapped out at the beginning of the race.
Read the bumper stickers on this one and you'll know why it was my favorite Lemons float, I mean race car.
Here is the boyfriends race car, also known as the most boring lemons car ever. Agreed. But the driver was hot. No really, covered in sweat.
Yeah, that, not a Lemons car. It's stupid enough, just not shitty enough. Also, I'm willing to bet it's full of nerdy Asians, or midgets. They are the only people that could ever fit in that thing. Or maybe kids, smart kids.
By far, my favorite part of the Lemons race was the penalties. Unlike Nascar, Lemons makes you complete annoying, time wasting tasks before they will let you back out on the track. One wall was covered in penalty options.
This penalty is called the "Bart Simpson". The offending team had to write a phrase of the judges choice on there car fifty times.
"I'm a big poopie head." And "I will not pass under yellow."
This guy had to write, "I drive a race car, not a lawn mower." I guess Lemons doesn't like it when you drive in the grass. Lesson learned.
This next one is called the Bob Ross. They make you don a silly wig and paint a picture on your car from a Bob Ross picture book.
These guys did an amazing job considering...
This is called the chain gang...
In the end the Alice In Wonderland team won. I guess that's what happens when you take your Lemons racing so serious.
Excuse me, who parked their sheep here? Yeah, there were fucking sheep at the race. Mother. Fucking. Sheep.
This one wanted to eat me. I'm pretty sure sheep are evil.
Here are a few other awesome things I saw at the Lemons race. Powered by Black and Decker...
Kids on mechanical bulls. Dangerous? Or awesome? Both!
No Lemons race is complete without Evil Knievel. Wait, aren't all the drivers that get in those race cars kind of Evil Knievels?
Did I tell you how hot my boyfriend is? He is a beast, and this is his sexy face.
Long story short, 24 Hours of Lemons was awesome, weird, but awesome. A few other things I saw in San Francisco include the Golden Gate Bridge. I always wanted to see it, so now I have. Someone remind me to cross that off my bucket list.
And this one is for Lindsay. Rainbow tunnel. Of course you would San Francisco.