I thought I was past this...

Last night I dreamed about him again. For those of you who don't know what I mean when I say him, I'm referring to certain someone from my past who haunted my dreams just about every time I shut my eyes. But, it's been a long time since I've dreamed about him, and that is something I was very thankful for. It seems that my luck with a peaceful rest has ended, as he came back in my dreams last night bolder than ever. Damn my need for sleep. The worst part of this dream was how I was left feeling when I woke up. I was miserable, I was hurt, and I was angry. It's funny how something as imaginary as a dream can lead to such strong and real emotion. Anyways, if you want to know what happened in my dream, read on. But by all means, if you really don't want to know what goes on in my mind, stop here and go look at some porn.

The dream was set at my ex-husbands house. This was really weird because my ex-husband was not in the dream; his family was not in the dream, just his house. And in my dream He (being the man who haunts my dreams, not the ex-husband) came home to visit everyone. So his family, friends, and I all got together and threw him a nice little dinner party. It was right after Christmas, but before the New Year, so the Christmas decorations were still up. He brought his new girlfriend home with him, and she was at the dinner party. During the party He announced that him and his new girlfriend were getting married. I was very upset. And not so much because he was getting married, but because of why he was doing it. It didn't make any sense to me. Through out the whole evening, in my dream, I noticed that he didn't seem to be satisfied with this girl. It seemed like he was settling, and I was not only concerned, but I was hurt. I remember thinking in my dream, "I could have made him so much happier if he had stayed, but he left, and now he is settling?" It made no sense to me. So what did I do? Naturally, I went about the house and started packing up the Christmas decorations, but this was no ordinary packing. I was packing with furry. I was so mad and so hurt and I just ripped that tinsel a new one. He saw this and came over to console me while his beloved wife to be was distracted by other people. He asked me what was wrong, and with tears in my eye I explained to him that I didn’t understand why he was getting married, and I think I may have asked him why it wasn't me because, "it should have been me." He spent a moment consoling me, and then a few of his buddies came over and he spilled the beans about why he was really marrying her. He admitted that he had knocked her up, and her parents would disown her if she was not married. One of his friends chimed in and said that was exactly why he got married and now he was miserable. His buddy told him it was a bad idea, but still he insisted on getting married. Suddenly, the dream jumped to later in the evening when we are all going out for an evening on the town and some good wholesome fun. Him and I were in separate cars; he was behind me. The car he was in started to swerve all over the road and then they pulled over, so I pulled over to see what was up. When I came up to the car he opened the door and almost fell over, a cloud of smoke billowed out of the car. They were stoned, too stoned to stand straight stoned. It was obvious he was in no position to go out so I put him in my car and took him back to the house.

When we got back to the house I wanted to hide him and all his stoned glory from his fiancé, I didn't think she would approve, so I stashed him on a couch in the basement. After I laid him down I gave him a hug and tried to walk away but he grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me back to him. I tried to reason with him that we needed to have some boundaries; after all, he was getting married. He didn't care, and he pulled me down on to the couch and hugged me.

This is where the dream got a little fuzzy. We exchanged some words, and I can't remember what they were, but I do know I apologized to him for something, I'm not sure what.

Then, for some reason, I tried to get him to stand up. I had something to say, and I wanted him to be standing when I said it. So there we were standing in a dark basement, I was hugging him, and I put my mouth real close to his ear so I could whisper what I wanted to say. It was something that was really hard for me to say, I was scared, but I was ready to say it. I parted my lips, and just as I was about to say it I noticed something behind him. It was too dark for me to tell at first, but then my eyes adjusted and I realized there was a body hanging from the ceiling. It wasn't just any body, it was the body of his friend who earlier in the evening told him how miserable he was for getting married because his girlfriend was pregnant.

I wasn't sure what to do. I was finally ready to say to him what I needed to, but I couldn't possibly do it with his friend hanging in a noose behind us. I also didn't want to see him hurt when he saw his friend, so I just stood there for a long moment wondering how to best tell him what I was looking at. I decided to just turn him around. Next thing I know, the room is filled with people, cops, paramedics, all of the other friends and family. It was a madhouse, and I was drowning in the noise. So, I found him amongst the insanity to tell him I was leaving. I figured I didn't belong, I was the odd girl out, and I felt a need to get home and blog about the man hanging himself. (Is it weird to dream about thinking about how you want to blog something?) So I tapped him on the shoulder and told him I was leaving. But, once again, as I was leaving he stopped me. He pulled me aside from all the insanity, and everyone was so distracted they didn't notice the way he slipped his arm around my waist. So I figured, fuck it. I had something to say and I was going to say it before I left. The way I saw it, this was my final chance. I whispered into his ear that I loved him and then just stood there for a long second. In my mind I was praying that he would say it back, or at least say something, but he didn't. He just stood there for a very long time; it hurt. Then he whispered into my ear that he loved me too. Suddenly, I felt relief. I felt like I had finally heard what I needed to hear from him, and even if I never got to have him, I was ok walking away at that point and never seeing him again. So I did. I walked right up the stairs and out the front door, and I didn't look back. I knew in my mind, I would never come back.
Weird huh? I want to know, what the hell was up with the dead body? And the blogging? Who thinks in their dream after something bizarre happens that they need to go blog about it? I guess I am just a bit torn up about the whole thing. I don't know what to make of it. I don't understand what this dream was trying to tell me. Does anyone knows and expert? I'm due for a session.

It's too early for pink Crocks...

I'm already in a bit of a nasty mood. I was up until some ungodly hour cleaning my apartment so that by any small chance we may get our deposit back. I stood on my balcony and enjoyed the view one last time, used the toilet one last time, and peeked into my neighbors windows one last time.

Needless to say, these twelve hour days are catching up with me, I am starting to think in serial numbers and marketing part numbers. "Thank you miss, your coffee costs 384698987, will you be using a marketing part number to pay with that?"

Ok, maybe you didn't think that was funny, but that really is how my brain is working right now. So you can only imagine why it was almost impossible for me to drag myself out of bed and get clothes on this morning. And then do you know what I saw when I got to work? You might never believe it...

We have this big burly guy who works here. He must be seven feet tall, and could probably be Hulk Hogans body guard. he is what some people might reffer to as "one big ass motherfucker!" And he was wearing a pair of bright pink Crocks. Imagine the brightest pink you can, and multiply that by ten. It was way worse than the mullet I was forced to sit behind in our meeting for two hours yesterday.

I was not prepared for the visual pollution of either.

But I did have this really awesome conversation with an engineer about vibrators, and it really helped me put the pink Crocks behind me. I thought I would share. Enjoy.

cool: Yeah, I don't motivate myself to remember simple stuff, I can count form 0 to 10000 in binary and tell you all about how your computer or any of your personal and pleasure devices work inside and out

Me: ah, my pleasure devices? It sounds so dirty.

cool: Well, I didn't meant your vibrator, but I did build one of those in college as an experiment.

I meant your camera, your ipod, anything that is used for pleasure, but you went straight to the dirty part.

Me: what kind of experiment was that?

Cool: I had a million dollar idea to build what I called the "ultimate vibrator". It works by just sending magnetic pulses from a distance. Apparently, this technology does not exist yet, so I was hoping to build something that sends waves and resonate and acts just like a vibrator.

Me: did it work?

Cool: that was too complicated to do, so I just decided to build a very power efficient one that doesn't use any batteries at all and that worked amazingly.

Me: I so want one of those.

Cool: Oh yeah, it was a fun project; I almost started my own company building them.

Me: Why didn't you? And what ever happened to this amazing vibrator?

Cool: Well, my professor took it to his house and I think his wife kept it or something. Haha, so every time I asked him for it back he said that he couldn't find, and he's been looking for it. But, I don't believe that.

Me: Damn!

Weenit's how not to guide part 1: How not to relax at work...

Experts say the best way to learn how to do things is by trial and error. You know, the whole "if at first you don't succeed, try again". Some of us never succeed the first time, like me. I know a lot more wrong ways to do things than I do the right ways to do things. And do you know the kind of trouble I have gone through? I thought maybe I would be nice and share with you the wrong way to do things, in hopes that you too will not make the same mistakes I have. Enjoy.

How NOT to relax at work

Step 1: scan through your music player and put on your favorite Hannah Montana song BEFORE checking to make sure your headphones are plugged in. We are all in the closet fans for one band or another, but remember when your best friend caught you in front of the mirror wearing your favorite Brittney Spears concert shirt while jamming out to "Hit me baby one more time" with your hair up in pigtails and shaking your ass? What? Don't lie, you know it has happened to you before. If it wasn't Brittney Spears then it was The New Kids on the Block or the Spice Girls or Aqua, but whatever. You know the feeling, and it feels just like that when you accidentally broadcast your poor taste in music to an office full of your ubber-hip co-workers. Embarrassing.

Step 2: Take off your shoes before doing a quick courtesy sniff. Not only is it polite, but it can save you from having to make up a lame excuse to cover up for your foot odor. You smell something? I think someone just warmed up some tuna casserole in the kitchen. No one is going to buy that, so sneak off into the bathroom and when you are all alone take a good whiff. Chances are, if you smell something not so fresh, so will someone else. While we are on the topic, you might want to give your pits a quick sniff.

Step 3: lean back in your chair and take a nap. More often than not, the only reason you have the option to relax at the office is because you are slacking off, this is something the boss is not to keen on. That, and if you fall asleep there is a chance you may snore or drool, this is double trouble if it happens in a meeting. Have you ever seen what happens when someone falls asleep and starts to snore in a group meeting? I'd tell you but I'm always the one sleeping. From what I have been "told", office hazing is a lot worse than the one time you passed out at your buddies kegger and your friends took pictures of various testicles on your face and mailed them to your grandmother.

Step 4: And this is really the most important. Whatever you do, don't smoke a joint with your co-workers on your lunch break. Sure, getting a little high always helps you through the rest of the work day. But what if you come back to something unexpected, like the VP of the company there to personally congratulate you on your new promotion? Allergies, in the middle of December? What's that? You're allergic to your cubicle? Don't worry, you'll never have to see it again, the door is that way, now hurry, you're stinking up the place." save the tokin for the evenings activities you lazy stoner.

If you have a heart you would just shoot me.

Every office has at least one of them, unfortunately, mine has two.

I'm talking about those annoying, giggly, sickening cute, and far too often dumb, gossip girls.

And gee, aren't I lucky they sit right behind me every day? If I want to know what they think about the hot guy they saw yesterday at the pool, their most recent yet failing weight loss efforts, or their secrets to always having a good hair day, then yes. But, if I'd like a little peace and quiet so I can sit here and do some work, then no.

Really, I don't care about any of those things. Here is an idea, maybe I'll go over there and introduce them to a lovely little device we have here in the office called instant messenger; then they can converse without forcing the rest of us to listen to it. My ears are sore from wearing head phones all day, I'd like to take them off but I don't really care to know about the newest nail polish color they bought at the mall.

Even when they talk intellectually I want to gouge out my ear drums.

"The Mayan calender says the world is going to end in the year 2012"

Oh really? When did it tell you that? Was it before or after you had one beer too many last weekend and woke up in that strangers bed? Did you ever stop to consider that maybe, just maybe, the calender ends in 2012, and then starts back at the beginning? Just because it's the end of the calendar does not mean it's the end of the world. Just like when you're at the end of the toilet paper roll. The world is not over, you just get a new roll and start from the beginning.

Right now, my happy place is a place in my mind where I can imagine pouring red paint on their new outfits they "bought yesterday at the mall. It's designer you know."

F.T. Casuals at the mall is not considered designer, I like to call those stripper clothes.

What? I'm just saying...

The worst part is, weather I like it or not, when I go home I will still know who their favorite American Idol contestants are. I seriously need a heavy dose of bourbon. Heck, just give me a bourbon I.V.

On being wicked...

My grandmother has been spending some considerable amount of time at my place watching my kid while I am working. The thing about my kid is, he really only needs us adults around to make him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, so watching him can get a little, well, boring.

And so every morning while my son sleeps in until ten, my grandmother will read a book from my collection. Don't worry, I've been careful to hide the adult themed books so my grandmother doesn't find them. She did, however, find my Augusten Burroughs books. Not only did she read them, but she loved them. This surprised me a bit because I seem to remember spending my childhood summers stuck at her house with nothing but cheesy romance novels to read. But if she wants to pick up a GOOD book a read it, well that is fine by me.

Last week she finished all of my Burroughs books and requested another book. I was shuffling through a stack of books I have even yet to finish and I picked up "Love in the Time of Cholera." I tried reading this book but it's too dry for me. I figured it would be a great book for an old lady like my Grandma Willie, but just as I was about to walk away another book caught my eye.

And suddenly I had a devious idea!

And as we speak my God fearing, Jesus loving, Christian Grandmother is reading Sam Harris' "The End of Faith." When I gave her the book I figured she would read the first chapter, realize it's all about how religion is destroying the world, and put it down with a foul face. This is not the case. She is actually enjoying it.

Which makes me wonder if she really understands yet what the book is about...