I thought I was past this...

Last night I dreamed about him again. For those of you who don't know what I mean when I say him, I'm referring to certain someone from my past who haunted my dreams just about every time I shut my eyes. But, it's been a long time since I've dreamed about him, and that is something I was very thankful for. It seems that my luck with a peaceful rest has ended, as he came back in my dreams last night bolder than ever. Damn my need for sleep. The worst part of this dream was how I was left feeling when I woke up. I was miserable, I was hurt, and I was angry. It's funny how something as imaginary as a dream can lead to such strong and real emotion. Anyways, if you want to know what happened in my dream, read on. But by all means, if you really don't want to know what goes on in my mind, stop here and go look at some porn.

The dream was set at my ex-husbands house. This was really weird because my ex-husband was not in the dream; his family was not in the dream, just his house. And in my dream He (being the man who haunts my dreams, not the ex-husband) came home to visit everyone. So his family, friends, and I all got together and threw him a nice little dinner party. It was right after Christmas, but before the New Year, so the Christmas decorations were still up. He brought his new girlfriend home with him, and she was at the dinner party. During the party He announced that him and his new girlfriend were getting married. I was very upset. And not so much because he was getting married, but because of why he was doing it. It didn't make any sense to me. Through out the whole evening, in my dream, I noticed that he didn't seem to be satisfied with this girl. It seemed like he was settling, and I was not only concerned, but I was hurt. I remember thinking in my dream, "I could have made him so much happier if he had stayed, but he left, and now he is settling?" It made no sense to me. So what did I do? Naturally, I went about the house and started packing up the Christmas decorations, but this was no ordinary packing. I was packing with furry. I was so mad and so hurt and I just ripped that tinsel a new one. He saw this and came over to console me while his beloved wife to be was distracted by other people. He asked me what was wrong, and with tears in my eye I explained to him that I didn’t understand why he was getting married, and I think I may have asked him why it wasn't me because, "it should have been me." He spent a moment consoling me, and then a few of his buddies came over and he spilled the beans about why he was really marrying her. He admitted that he had knocked her up, and her parents would disown her if she was not married. One of his friends chimed in and said that was exactly why he got married and now he was miserable. His buddy told him it was a bad idea, but still he insisted on getting married. Suddenly, the dream jumped to later in the evening when we are all going out for an evening on the town and some good wholesome fun. Him and I were in separate cars; he was behind me. The car he was in started to swerve all over the road and then they pulled over, so I pulled over to see what was up. When I came up to the car he opened the door and almost fell over, a cloud of smoke billowed out of the car. They were stoned, too stoned to stand straight stoned. It was obvious he was in no position to go out so I put him in my car and took him back to the house.

When we got back to the house I wanted to hide him and all his stoned glory from his fiancé, I didn't think she would approve, so I stashed him on a couch in the basement. After I laid him down I gave him a hug and tried to walk away but he grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me back to him. I tried to reason with him that we needed to have some boundaries; after all, he was getting married. He didn't care, and he pulled me down on to the couch and hugged me.

This is where the dream got a little fuzzy. We exchanged some words, and I can't remember what they were, but I do know I apologized to him for something, I'm not sure what.

Then, for some reason, I tried to get him to stand up. I had something to say, and I wanted him to be standing when I said it. So there we were standing in a dark basement, I was hugging him, and I put my mouth real close to his ear so I could whisper what I wanted to say. It was something that was really hard for me to say, I was scared, but I was ready to say it. I parted my lips, and just as I was about to say it I noticed something behind him. It was too dark for me to tell at first, but then my eyes adjusted and I realized there was a body hanging from the ceiling. It wasn't just any body, it was the body of his friend who earlier in the evening told him how miserable he was for getting married because his girlfriend was pregnant.

I wasn't sure what to do. I was finally ready to say to him what I needed to, but I couldn't possibly do it with his friend hanging in a noose behind us. I also didn't want to see him hurt when he saw his friend, so I just stood there for a long moment wondering how to best tell him what I was looking at. I decided to just turn him around. Next thing I know, the room is filled with people, cops, paramedics, all of the other friends and family. It was a madhouse, and I was drowning in the noise. So, I found him amongst the insanity to tell him I was leaving. I figured I didn't belong, I was the odd girl out, and I felt a need to get home and blog about the man hanging himself. (Is it weird to dream about thinking about how you want to blog something?) So I tapped him on the shoulder and told him I was leaving. But, once again, as I was leaving he stopped me. He pulled me aside from all the insanity, and everyone was so distracted they didn't notice the way he slipped his arm around my waist. So I figured, fuck it. I had something to say and I was going to say it before I left. The way I saw it, this was my final chance. I whispered into his ear that I loved him and then just stood there for a long second. In my mind I was praying that he would say it back, or at least say something, but he didn't. He just stood there for a very long time; it hurt. Then he whispered into my ear that he loved me too. Suddenly, I felt relief. I felt like I had finally heard what I needed to hear from him, and even if I never got to have him, I was ok walking away at that point and never seeing him again. So I did. I walked right up the stairs and out the front door, and I didn't look back. I knew in my mind, I would never come back.
Weird huh? I want to know, what the hell was up with the dead body? And the blogging? Who thinks in their dream after something bizarre happens that they need to go blog about it? I guess I am just a bit torn up about the whole thing. I don't know what to make of it. I don't understand what this dream was trying to tell me. Does anyone knows and expert? I'm due for a session.

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