Weenit's how not to guide part 1: How not to relax at work...

Experts say the best way to learn how to do things is by trial and error. You know, the whole "if at first you don't succeed, try again". Some of us never succeed the first time, like me. I know a lot more wrong ways to do things than I do the right ways to do things. And do you know the kind of trouble I have gone through? I thought maybe I would be nice and share with you the wrong way to do things, in hopes that you too will not make the same mistakes I have. Enjoy.

How NOT to relax at work

Step 1: scan through your music player and put on your favorite Hannah Montana song BEFORE checking to make sure your headphones are plugged in. We are all in the closet fans for one band or another, but remember when your best friend caught you in front of the mirror wearing your favorite Brittney Spears concert shirt while jamming out to "Hit me baby one more time" with your hair up in pigtails and shaking your ass? What? Don't lie, you know it has happened to you before. If it wasn't Brittney Spears then it was The New Kids on the Block or the Spice Girls or Aqua, but whatever. You know the feeling, and it feels just like that when you accidentally broadcast your poor taste in music to an office full of your ubber-hip co-workers. Embarrassing.

Step 2: Take off your shoes before doing a quick courtesy sniff. Not only is it polite, but it can save you from having to make up a lame excuse to cover up for your foot odor. You smell something? I think someone just warmed up some tuna casserole in the kitchen. No one is going to buy that, so sneak off into the bathroom and when you are all alone take a good whiff. Chances are, if you smell something not so fresh, so will someone else. While we are on the topic, you might want to give your pits a quick sniff.

Step 3: lean back in your chair and take a nap. More often than not, the only reason you have the option to relax at the office is because you are slacking off, this is something the boss is not to keen on. That, and if you fall asleep there is a chance you may snore or drool, this is double trouble if it happens in a meeting. Have you ever seen what happens when someone falls asleep and starts to snore in a group meeting? I'd tell you but I'm always the one sleeping. From what I have been "told", office hazing is a lot worse than the one time you passed out at your buddies kegger and your friends took pictures of various testicles on your face and mailed them to your grandmother.

Step 4: And this is really the most important. Whatever you do, don't smoke a joint with your co-workers on your lunch break. Sure, getting a little high always helps you through the rest of the work day. But what if you come back to something unexpected, like the VP of the company there to personally congratulate you on your new promotion? Allergies, in the middle of December? What's that? You're allergic to your cubicle? Don't worry, you'll never have to see it again, the door is that way, now hurry, you're stinking up the place." save the tokin for the evenings activities you lazy stoner.

1 comment:

Historical Wit said...

Thats why at work all I listen to is metal. One it keeps people away from my cubical. Two it reinforces the notion that I am crazy and unstable. So people just avoid me because of Lamb of God coming out of my speakers.