Are you kidding me?!?! And other phrases of surprise...

I love food, and I hate that I love food. Particularly, I hate that I love all the little things that make perfectly healthy food bad for you, like mayonnaise, butter, dressings, sugar, and even creams.
Yesterday I had a meeting with my trainer to go over the things I have been eating so he could tell me I was a ummm, what's that word? The one in the bible they describe as one of the seven deadly sins... Oh right, gluttonous pig. Anyways, the thing he doesn't know is since I have been working with him I have seriously cut out a lot of bad foods, though he still wants me to cut back more. He wrote down the guidelines he wants me to stay in for things like calories, carbs, and fat. When I saw what he wrote, saw how little of everything I could actually consume, well lets just say I'm lucky I didn't shit myself.
As far as the guidelines, he says a girl my age should only consume about 1100 calories a day, 105 grams of protein, 116 grams of carbs, and 25 grams of fat. This seriously sucks, and is causing serious life altering induced mayhem. For example, every morning I like to have two eggs over easy with a slice of toast lightly buttered. The trainer said ex nay on the egg yolks and the butter, so now I have two hard boiled eggs without the yolks, a slice of bread, maybe with a piece of lean ham or turkey, or maybe just a bit of hummus. and do you know what kind of insanity that kind fo change in my daily routine causes? And my coffee, lets just say it's straight black or it's none at all, and we all know I like my coffee like I like my men..... Erhm, let's not go there. Though I do have to admit that since I have started drinking plain black coffee I finally understand why people get all in a hype about their coffee beans. with all that sugar and cream I use to put in my coffee it didn't really matter how good or bad the coffee it's self was, but I can definitely tell the difference between my generic big Ol' can O' coffee grounds verses the fresh ground, slow roasted beans they use to make their coffee at Metropolitan Coffee downtown.
Coffee beans aside, I can no longer have my delicious cup of chi tea that I usually grab (also at Metropolitan Coffee) while waiting for my bus, which is the whole reason I decided to try black coffee. Gee, I sure do miss the creamy goodness of my Chi Tea. And mayonnaise, oh how I miss it's creamy goodness on my sandwich, and oh how I miss sandwiches. They have far too many carbs and fat. If I do decide to have a sandwich, it has to be made out of whole grain wheat bread, and instead of Mayonnaise I have to pile on the mustard. For a long time I never liked mustard, but I didn't know you could pile on as much as you wanted with out worry because mustard has very little calories and carbs. Long story short, mustard is my new best friend. And now I can understand why my good friend Merideth likes to suck on mustard packets when she is hungry.
But of all the meals I have to survive through out the day, dinner is the worst, aside from the glass of Muscle Milk Light I am required to drink every day to get that protein. I use to love dinner, but how can someone love dinner when it only includes some chunk of lean meat like chicken or beef, maybe a hard boiled egg, some vegetables, and a small salad with fat free vinaigrette dressing? You might as well tell me to eat poo every night for dinner, OK, maybe not poo. but really, why can't I have a baked potato, if I promise to cut out the butter and sour cream? Oh right, no starch or carbs after dark. And why can't I have a little ranch to dip the vegetables in or cover my salad with? Oh right, then I would have consumed all my fat intake for the day in one tiny teaspoon. And did I mention when I have a nightcap it has to be straight up or on the rocks? I'll have to kiss my beloved threesomes with Jack and Coke goodbye, and stick monogamously with Jack.

But did I mention I am getting a six pack? Or that I feel leaner and stronger by every day, though my weight fluctuates every time I step on that damn scale. My trainer contributes this to menstruating or something, even thought menstruating is not something I have in common with the rest of the worlds women, so it can't be that. I like to think maybe when I weigh a bit heavier it's because I haven't pooped yet that morning.

Anyways, enough about poop. Last I checked I weighed in at a mighty 140 pounds. I hope with this strict diet I'll be down 5 to 10 pounds by next week. Boy, do I have unrealistic expectations! But we will see. Now time for some calisthenics and a few sit ups.

Her words were a slap in the face..

My baby cousin wrote something on her blog, weather it was direct quote from her or something she absorbed elsewhere, it struck me as so very true. She wrote:

"If you have a mental breakdown and fall to you knees, it only has meaning to you. The world doesn't give a shit, and when it's all said and done you still have to stand up and walk away. You can't just melt. You still exist, and so does the rest of the world."

Been there, done that, but never looked at it with such perspective. It makes my breakdown seem so meaningless in the grandeur of this massive world.

Home

Tonight, from the first time since I have moved away from my Mother's house, I thought to myself as I stared out my balcony window, "This feels like home. I see that streetlight, and the downtown cityscape, it feels like home. All I need is a Christmas tree to make it solid."

It's a weird feeling.....

To sue, or not to sue, that is the question!

I'm going to try to make this short and simple. My mother wants to sue my father for the years of child support he owes. She calculated it to be somewhere around eighty thousand dollars, and she wants consent form my sisters and I to do so. On the one hand, my mother deserves this money but on the other if we go through with it I loose any possible chance to ever have a relationship with my father. Both of these arguments deserve a bit more attention.
Some people think my mother is just being selfish for deciding to sue after all these years, but they don't understand what she had to sacrifice to make sure we were fed, clothed, and housed. She was never able to take a vacation, have nice things, or start a retirement fund, which I believe is what she will do with the majority of the money should she sue. And it's my personal opinion that she has every right to sue and has every right to keep the money, after all, it wasn't my sisters and I who sacrificed.
The only reason I am afraid to give her the OK is because as of late I have been considering making contact with my father, maybe send him some sort of hear felt email about how screwed up I am because he is not around. If there is anything I want most out of my life right now it would be a very close call between having a relationship with my father, and having the man of my dreams to wake up to. Since I won't be waking up next to the love of my life any time soon I will just have to settle on good old Dad, but how can I guarantee that if I try to start a relationship with him that he will reciprocate? And if he does how can I be sure it will be a relationship worth having? And who am I tell tell my mother she can't sue him and get what she deserves because I want to give the bastard a second chance? Maybe I'll wear my heart on my sleeve and at the very least tell him how I have felt since he walked away and never looked back. That way even if I don't get a chance to start a relationship I at least spoke up about how fucked up he has been. I think that would make me feel somewhat better.

I hate saying goodbye to old friends, it always breaks my heart...

I saw the lovely miss Rosie Posie tonight, I haven't seen her since March, since the saddest day of my life (no fault of hers). We went to SingSing which is always a good time, but saying goodbye to someone I grew up with, experienced puberty with, lived with, and basically spent all day every day with, is never easy. I also thought I saw him at the bar, the man looked like an identical twin but with rougher features. Not only did I have to do a double take to make sure it wasn't him but I had to stare long and hard. it may be that my eyes are playing tricks on me because I also thought I saw Photo Mike earlier but it was some old guy. I think I am just missing the past, missing being young and reckless, missing being so free and open, and people like Rosie Posie remind me of those times. I can feel the break in my heart cracking a little bit more right now as I wander down that memory lane and remember everything that was so great to me, all of which is so distant and lost to me now. I think I really just need a big hug and someone to tell me in the end all those great things of my past will come together again. After all, I never was any good at goodbyes...