In July of last year I went somewhere far away and visited that boy from my past, you know, the one I use to dream about all the time. Anyways, I won't write much about that weekend because it's something I keep very private and very close to my heart. But I will tell you this, it helped me let go. I don't know why, and I don't know how, but submerging myself in his world helped me be OK with the fact that I'm not a part of his world. Maybe it was because his world is hot and sticky and full of mean people, city of brotherly love my ass!
Anyways, I got a bit drunk some time last week and found my way to his myspace. I ended up sending him an email that I instantly regretted the second I hit send. Dude, my computer totally needs a breathalyzer on it or something. Drunk dialing is bad enough but with email they have a written account of your debauchery to hold over your head.
Jesus save my soul!
Anyways, much to my surprise, said boy responded to my email with a very prompt "Your cell isn't working, call me!"
Call him? Oh God, why? What do I have to say to him? "Hey stranger, heard you were in town a few months after I came to see you, I called while you were here, kind of felt like you went out of your way to avoid me and my calls, why? Did I do something wrong or did you just have enough of me back at your place?"
I won't lie, a small part of me does want to call him, the part of me that thinks it has something to prove. But what do I have to prove? That I can go on without him? That it's been nearly eight months since I said goodbye to him and it hasn't even phased me. Yeah I bet that's it.
So I'm sure I'll spend the end of my evening tonight doing just what I have done every evening for the last week, sitting by the phone with a cocktail in one hand, the receiver in the other, dialing the first few digits of his number, and then hanging up. The number of drinks I have consumed directly correlates to the number of digits I successfully dial before my nerves get to me. Maybe tonight I'll go for one more cocktail and finally make that call so I can stop obsessing over it. And with any luck I'll get his voicemail and leave a message that he will, no doubt, never return.
It drives me bat shit insane that I've managed to distance myself from him so well in these recent months and still he is wasting my time and running circles in my head. It's moments like these that make me wonder if I did something wrong and karma is kicking me in the ass for it, or if I'm simply paying it forward for the great things to come.
Ok, it's time for mommy to have a much needed margarita...