The brutally honest post....

This is one of those posts that require an upfront disclosure, particularly to the particular someone that Ive been seeing. Here is the thing darling, I am about to get brutally honest with my feelings. So I recommend you take a moment and seriously consider your options here. You could close this web page and go look at some porn, or you could read on. But be cautious and remember, if you continue, there is no going back...

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Are you sure about this?
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OK, but don't say I didn't warn you, because I so did...
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It's a been a few months, and for me, this is the point where one of two things happen. Well, most of the time only one thing happens: I run. The other option, which rarely happens, is me giving myself the chance to get emotionally involved.

And we all know my Daddy didn't hug me enough as a kid, mostly because he left, and when you're not around it's kind of hard to distribute hugs. But whatever, I thought I was OK without him around; probably a lot like the way he thought I was OK without him. But in a way, I really do feel like my father's absence is part responsible for my inability to get emotionally involved. I guess I feel like he didn't love me enough to stick around so why would any other man? That fear was only rooted deeper inside of me when someone who I spent a decade loving also left.

That was hard on me. I don't think most people understand just how hard it was on me. Think Romeo and Juliet. Only, when Juliet professed her feelings to Romeo he may have been a bit tipsy and insisted that ten years was not possibly long enough for her to know him well enough to be head over heels. That is, until he got loaded and came back to the balcony crying and insisted he loved the fair Juliet and not this other broad who had threated Juliet at a ball if she didn't stay away from Romeo.

And then when Romeo is banished from Verona, he doesn't ever give his poor Juliet a proper goodbye, and after she drank the potion he never came back for her. So when Juliet woke up alone, she was like WTF?

Yeah, it was something like that, minus the sword fighting, but with a lot more booze and stretched over the span of ten years. So would it really surprise anyone that little ol' me would be afraid to invest my feelings into another man, another man who could also leave me in his dusty path?

It's that fear that's kept me in relationships I knew I'd never get emotionally invested in, and it's ended others that could have been very prosperous.

So here I am back at the point where I feel that urge to walk away because it's the safest option. I guess it's kind of like a when you're a kid and you stick a fork in the power socket. It fucking hurts, and in some cases you're lucky to be alive. So would you go and stick a fork in the socket ever again? Hell no, you learned your lesson the first time. Only, as you get older you're not afraid to use the socket how it's intended. you still plug your radio and computer into it, and the rechargeable batteries for your vibrator. But me, I have to get past the fear of getting shocked whenever I go near a power socket (metaphorically speaking). I'm lame man's terms, I'm still learning how to overcome my irrational urge to sever any relationship I may find myself in. I'm afraid if I get shocked again I might not be so lucky to survive it.

And you wouldn't believe the things I do to avoid falling for someone. Remember that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine is always looking for a reason to dislike the person she is dating until she finds a great guy who is perfect? She puts an end to their relationship because he didn't put any exclamation points on the end of a message he wrote to her on a sticky note about her friend having a baby. I have been known to do the same damn thing. Give me the man of my dreams and I'll give you ten reasons why I can't be with him. He has a smile like my ex-husband's, He has a tattoo I didn't like, he drives the exact same car my metaphorical Romeo drives. Really, you would not believe the things I tell myself. And all of it has kept me from having the one thing I've always wanted but never had in life.

And I know I may get chastised for writing what I am about to write because I am suppose to be a modern twenty-first century kind of woman. And everyone knows a modern woman is the only kind of woman to be these days, with their fancy careers and Prada heels. They drive BMW's and have fifteen boyfriends. They enjoy sex without emotion and hate the word commitment (think Samantha from Sex and the City).

But I don't fit that modern woman mold, I care very little for most of that stuff. This is not to say I'm without goals, but material things and power mean nothing to me if I am not surrounded with people I love. Of all the things I want out of life, a family is one of them. I want to wake up every day next to someone I love. I want to grow old with someone. And get ready for this one...

I'd even like to try the "having a kid" thing one more time, only, I'd like to do it the right way.

Those days are far away, but I've come to the realization that I will never have any of those things if I don't get over the emotional scars of my past and try to move on.

Because, I'm sick of running, I'm far too lazy for all this running. I just want to stop and take a breath already. You know, smell the roses and all that crap.

And there is someone I'd like to stop and take a breath with for a while, maybe the fresh oxygen will help mend my broken soul.