No, I'm not mad, I'm torn...

Yesterday was not a good day. I mean, it started out just fine, but a few hours into work I began to feel very sick to my stomach. And do you know what is worse than throwing up in a public bathroom? I'm thinking it's worse when a co-worker comes in and catches you doing it.

So there I am with fresh vomit breath, red in the face, and I have to venture all over the building to find my boss and let him know I am going home. I do eventually find him, check out, and wait forty minutes for my grandmother and son to get me.
And then I discovered something even worse that your co-worker catching you blowing chunks in the bathroom.

Riding in my grandmother’s car with a stomachache, lets not forget she cleans that thing with vinegar every week. Ugh. I hardly made it home.

So then I lie in bed all day and watch bad TV with pains in the pit of my stomach that won't let me take a nap, and my mother comes home. She had an envelope from the child support people. In the envelope was a letter explaining how much back support my father owes her for all those years. Get this, it was some ninety-four thousand dollars. They were offering her a smaller lump sum to settle it. Of course, this was the talk of house and every five minutes either my mother or my sister were asking me what I thought she should do.

But here is my problem with that. My mother getting her money means me never ever in my life having even the smallest hope of having a relationship with my father. But what can I do? My mother deserves this money. Lets face it, my father was a bit of a douche bag who didn't hold up to his responsibilities. But on the other hand, the one thing that makes me feel so damn incomplete in this world is the fact that I don't know my father. I want a chance to get to know my father.

I do not want to stand at my father's funeral, look down at his grave, and not know who he is.

But with my mother settling all that back child support he owes her, I'm quite sure he'll have it out for us. After all, ninety-four thousand dollars is a lot of money for a man like my father.

So, if I have to accept this ,but at the least my family could to not involve me in there excite fest over the situation. While they are all in the mood to celebrate, I'd rather mourn.