I'm so glad you are not my Valentine...

We all know how much I hate V'day. But that aside, I have heard some rather amusing suggestions for Valentine gifts for men that make me want to squeal, and not in a good way. Lets go through the list shall we...

The first gift was suggested by a man who apparently has Valentine's day and birthday confused. He suggested buying your boyfriend VIP bottle service for him and his friends at a trendy club downtown. What? Lets start with the first problem to this gift, where is the girlfriend? I don't know about your man, but I'm sure mine would much rather spend the evening wrapped up under the sheets with me than getting drunk with his friends. And unless his buddies are all gay, I think it would be safe to assume they'll be out with their ladies doing couples things, and not because they wouldn't enjoy a night out slamming whiskey on someone else's wallet and checking out broads, but because if they want to keep their woman around they had better spend it with her. After all, we all know on V'day it's the ladies who run the show.

Now lets move on to a second awful suggestion, shall we? This love nymph suggested the traditional sex game because that is, apparently, what a man really wants.

No way! You mean, he wants to get laid?

Seriously, all women know their man wants some on this special day. And unless things go drastically wrong, or God forbid, you're saving it for marriage, the night will end in fornication. And trust me when I say this, men care about silly boxed sex games bought at places like Spencers just about as much as they care about your bra, they don't. they may play along, tell you it's hot, but in the end they just want to toss it on the floor and get down to business. The end!

Besides, any toys used in the process of doing it should never be bought at a place like Spencers. I would recomend Fascinations or Romantix or anyplace that has certified dildo specialists on hand to answer any of your questions.

And last, but by far not least on the ridiculous scale, is the dude who suggested getting your mate a "box of rain." People, this guy is obviously a hippie. He describes the box of rain as a small wooden box with a small vile of water in it.

What? Did I read that right? Some guy actually suggested this as a gift for another guy? What in the hell would someone do with something like that?

Oh, right, the receiver is suppose to keep it on their dresser as a constant reminder of you. The only thing that would remind me of is how much I really do hate the person who gave it to me. Maybe I am missing something here, but I don't get what the messages is that tiny vile of water inside that tiny wooden box is suppose to relay. I would just assume it means, "Some day, my love, I will drowned you in a tub of water and bury you in a box in our back yard. Don't ever forget it." Yikes.

Fucking hippies.

I'll never truly submit to the traditions this holiday has become, and though I know it's all a bunch of Hallmark hogwash, I'll not take the millions of suggestions to just ignore it and pretend it's just another boring day. Why? Because everyone likes to feel special. So maybe I'll whip Mack up some of my awesome strawberry shortcake, cook a few steaks, and find some cheesy romance flick to cuddle up next to with a good bottle of champagne. It's simple, painless, and to the point.