"It just doesn't feel right.There is something missing. Do you know what I mean?"
And when he said that it was, for me, the equivalent of him pushing my red button. Yes, I have a red button. It's warm and has a pulse and without I would fall dead to the floor.
And for as many time as I have heard him say that and then move on to the next crazy floozy you'd think I'd no longer wonder if that "something missing" was me. Like "It just doesn't feel right. There is something missing, you are missing my love." And then we would run off into the sunset and live happily ever after.
What a bunch of bull. I use to imagine that was how he felt only because it's what I wanted him to feel. I wanted him to compare every girl he laid his hands on to me, much like I did every man I met to him. But those days are over. So why in the hell do I still wonder if that is what he means when he says "something is missing?" It could be that I am just bat shit insane, that the only way for me to let him go is to imagine that he regrets leaving. Or maybe, just maybe it's the truth. I guess I'll never know.
However, when I step out of the picture and look back, and then look ahead, I discovered I like what I see in front of me better than what is left behind. Behind me is a trail of mental carnage so full of lies and deception. Where I stand now is an empty clean slate for me to start new with, and I have a long road ahead of me. With what it took to get here I'm not willing to step back into the carnage. In a year from now I want to look back and see something spectacular, something that warms me.
So sorry darlin' but there won't be any button pushing for you today.