Today I took one giant step towards recovery, and it wasn't easy. It's hard for me to come out in a very public blog and say this because I never know who is reading, but maybe some of you have been confused about me lately. Maybe some of you don't get why I disappeared from the world, stopped calling, and breaking plans. Well, truth is I have been struggling with a crippling depression that has lead to many things. That depression was brought on by one person, a person I will leave nameless . That person was for a very long time someone I considered the love of my life, he was also a friend. Sadly, I never got more than that from him, and it was torture. But then he moved so very far away, I helped him pack his things, I drank myself into oblivion, cried in his arms, and thought for weeks after that there was nothing better in the world than to be dead. I feel like a fool, a very cowardice fool, because I could never tell him how I felt, so he may never know unless he reads this.
The thing I am most ashamed about is the way I let the pain of my secret feelings for him poison me instead of telling him how I felt years ago. Because of that I pushed away a great man and I ended friendships,.
But that is all over now. For the last week I have been putting the pieces of my life back together. The biggest accomplishment so far is the boulder I scaled today. It was the hardest thing I had to do, but fuelled by anger (and not towards him) I managed to completely delete him out of my life. I erased him from my Myspace, deleted all his pictures from my slides, and tore down the one in my room. I deleted every last email that he sent me, and tossed out all the silly little things that remind me of him. I didn't do it because I hate him, though hating him would have made it easier. I did it because I had to let go, so I could move on with my life. If I didn't I would spend forever in this dark, ugly place, and I have already been here too long.
Love is not something that just ends, so I will always love him, it's my dreams and desires for him that are over. It's time for me to figure out how to love someone else, someone who proves to be worth me loving, and if I don't at least I will be able to walk through life without a constant reminder of what I wish I had.
Most importantly, I must apologize to the people that I neglected within the last few months, but I wont apologize for your ignorance. Depression is never easy, but the worst part for me was admitting I was depressed. Now that I have it's my steps to recovery you may not understand. There are a few things I have to rediscover how to do, sleep is one of them. I have forgoten what it is like to be a free single woman, and I can't remember how good a real smile feels. Be patient while I take the necessary time to rediscover these things.
The most important thing is that the people I love stick by my side through this, with you there is no point in recovery.
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