Damn!

It's been so long since I logged on to my old site hosted by MSN they took it down, I had a lot of great poetry and junk up there I lost. Oh well, I needed to get around to writing some new stuff. And I can't get to sleep tonight again, that insomnia is really kicking my ass. Tonight has been a hard one, but I've made it through with out folding. God bless my new found self control.

I am so the schiznat...

Two guys juts came by the house to sell some magazines so they could get their asses to London for some school of broadcasting thing. After I shot down every last one of their pathetic attempts they started hitting on me, and man did they use some of the cheesiest lines, I had to tell them I was a lesbian so they would go away. It didn't work.

He had me at "House"...

My son and I were cuddling on the couch late last night as I was suffering through yet again another one of my insomnia spells. We were flipping through the channels and I mentioned that we were missing a good show on the other channel ( My mother's tv gets 3 or 4 channels). In the most innocent of all voices he looks at me and whispers, "Yes, lets watch House." Just then my heart melted, I knew I was raising him right.

The first day of the rest of my life...

Today I took one giant step towards recovery, and it wasn't easy. It's hard for me to come out in a very public blog and say this because I never know who is reading, but maybe some of you have been confused about me lately. Maybe some of you don't get why I disappeared from the world, stopped calling, and breaking plans. Well, truth is I have been struggling with a crippling depression that has lead to many things. That depression was brought on by one person, a person I will leave nameless . That person was for a very long time someone I considered the love of my life, he was also a friend. Sadly, I never got more than that from him, and it was torture. But then he moved so very far away, I helped him pack his things, I drank myself into oblivion, cried in his arms, and thought for weeks after that there was nothing better in the world than to be dead. I feel like a fool, a very cowardice fool, because I could never tell him how I felt, so he may never know unless he reads this.

The thing I am most ashamed about is the way I let the pain of my secret feelings for him poison me instead of telling him how I felt years ago. Because of that I pushed away a great man and I ended friendships,.

But that is all over now. For the last week I have been putting the pieces of my life back together. The biggest accomplishment so far is the boulder I scaled today. It was the hardest thing I had to do, but fuelled by anger (and not towards him) I managed to completely delete him out of my life. I erased him from my Myspace, deleted all his pictures from my slides, and tore down the one in my room. I deleted every last email that he sent me, and tossed out all the silly little things that remind me of him. I didn't do it because I hate him, though hating him would have made it easier. I did it because I had to let go, so I could move on with my life. If I didn't I would spend forever in this dark, ugly place, and I have already been here too long.

Love is not something that just ends, so I will always love him, it's my dreams and desires for him that are over. It's time for me to figure out how to love someone else, someone who proves to be worth me loving, and if I don't at least I will be able to walk through life without a constant reminder of what I wish I had.

Most importantly, I must apologize to the people that I neglected within the last few months, but I wont apologize for your ignorance. Depression is never easy, but the worst part for me was admitting I was depressed. Now that I have it's my steps to recovery you may not understand. There are a few things I have to rediscover how to do, sleep is one of them. I have forgoten what it is like to be a free single woman, and I can't remember how good a real smile feels. Be patient while I take the necessary time to rediscover these things.

The most important thing is that the people I love stick by my side through this, with you there is no point in recovery.

Weenit's quote of the day...

"So what, you bailed on a dream. You gonna be miserable for the rest of your life?"

"Maybe, how's it working for you?"

Fear...

I have always been afraid of being trapped in an elevator. Why? I have no idea. The scary thing is the elevator in my new building is sketchy, at best. I just know some day soon I will have to face my biggest fear on that damn elevator, and I bet I wont even have any booze to help me through it. Maybe I will start taking the stairs, just in case.

Head humped by a waffle iron.

As of late my mind is a bit of a mess. I can not find my keys to save my life. I managed to be a total flake at work last week, how I messed up the simplest of things I don't even know. I'm beginning to wonder if turning 23 also means I will loose my mind and become one of those senile old people, without the age. I need to get more sleep I'm thinking.

I am so innocent

I don't care what you say, I told no one to take their pants off!

I knew it...

It's the first night since I have left my store and everyone already misses me. They are calling the guy who took my place the Nazi. I knew I was loved. Wonder how I will fare at my new place. I hope they all will love me just as much.

Hollywood, lets have a talk...

When it comes to movies there are two things I love, two things that will bring be back to the theater over and over again. Those two things are Zombies (the grosser the better) and studly badasses with complete disregard for human life (think Vid Diesel in Riddick). So I have a suggestion, why not combine the two? I mean, it's not nearly as dumb as tossing skinny white girls in mini skirts with big guns into a crowd of zombies. And think of the prospective customers! Women from all across the country would swarm to a theater near them to catch sight of their dreamy badass laying it into the rotten cranium of a herpes infested zombie; I know I would. And you know what would be even better? If he dies in the end! That will make the ladies cry, except for me, I'm not a pussy like that.

Weenit's quote of the day

"What are you gonna do? Go for the sweet spot?"

I can't lie, I may not be a Vin Diesel fan but there isn't many things hotter than a bald, sweating bad ass like the one he plays in Riddick.

It's Tueday right?

That means only four more days till my birthday, and two more days till my road trip! I think I am done locking myself up inside my apartment. I hope this trip is just the cure I needed for my blues.

An update to my bitching...

For any of you who might have read my previous post about being betrayed at work, here is an update to the situation...

My mom went back to work there last night delivering a few pizzas after she gets done from her very laborious, and manly, day job. Suddenly she became my inside informant to the going ons and Julies new tantrums.

Apparently, Julie refused to finish her closing shift last night, Ha ha! Andy bit herself in the ass that time. I can't wait to see what other bullshit Julie puts Andy through, or how long Andy puts up with it before she fires her again, yes, I said again.

A long winded picture blog...

It seems to me as though I don't post nearly enough photos of the things that happen in my life, instead, I ramble on and on about them as though I hope my words can paint the picture. So, I figured, why not try the real thing. Here are a few (and by few I mean less than a hundred) photos of what i did in the last few days. Enjoy...

Meet Rosie Posie, she is fantastic, and stuck again in the middle of Missouri hell...



In our house we eat a lot of pizza...



What Steph looks like after a long night and too much Xbox...



Then mom started downing a few drinks...



Why pick your own nose when you have some one else to pick it for you...



Nothing is hotter than a sexy punk boy who knows how to use a pink hulla hoops!



Then we caugh up on some important reading...



The sister and my son caught up on some movies...



One of my favorite things about little people...





And at the end of the night we calm down with a tub full of bubbles!

The knife...

The blade was shiny like the sweat on your brow. It was sharp and serenaded, like the cut of your sweet words. it was smooth, just your style, as it tore between the soft ligaments of my heart.


Dark, I know, but I liked it...

#!$%#@!

I'm done, I hate you, you're a heartless bastard. For all I care you can burn in hell...

There! I've said it, but I'm not quite sure I felt it.

When were they going to tell me?

This may be one of those blog postings that gets me Dooced, but I have to post it any ways. So...

Silly me, I left my keys at work again! When I went back to get them I saw the most surprising (for lack of a better word) thing. They hired Julie back. This is a story I have refrained from posing for the world to see, but it's time to share.

Once upon a time I knew this girl, she once was a nice girl, or so I thought. I let her move into my already too small apartment, I got her a job at the joint I manage, and shared most every personal thought with her. That was a bad idea. Eventually, I decided I needed more space, and no matter how I worked it out, moving somewhere bigger with Julie just was not going to work. There were many reasons for this, the most important being that she could not afford the kind of place I was looking for, that and she always needed to be in my space talking up a storm.

So...

I moved, got settled into my new place, but Julie took it quite personally, and got a bit bitter. Problem was I still had to work with her, as her boss. She did and said most everything to disrespect me and drive me crazy at work. One night I had enough, I could not stand her rude remarks, her complaining, and her crappy work ethic.

So...

I gave her a "two week suspension". That really pissed her off. She called me a lot of names that I might be banned online for writing. Then she threatened to beat me up when I got off work, insisted I didn't have the power to suspend her, and pulled the whole, "you can't suspend me! I quit!" trick. I turned a cheek to her childish attitude and went about my business.

Recently...

My boss asked me if I wanted to be transferred to another store where I would be promoted to GM and given a raise. I accepted, and tomorrow morning is my last day at this store.

So...

I'm wondering if my boss really is as ignorant to what happened that night with Julie like he said he was when I discovered they gave her job back. He said he had no ideal she was so disrespectful and rude, and that he was very desperate for drivers. He said he had no choice. I'm thinking he thought he could pull one over me. Maybe they thought since I wasn't working there any more I wouldn't find out, or maybe they moved me to the other store so they could hire her back. Did they really think I would not find out?

Well...

Whatever the reason behind this ridiculous action, I think it very hypocritical considering it was not too long ago since we had a serious meeting where my boss pointed out that no matter what the reason, if one of the managers fired, suspended, or otherwise punished an employee, the rest of us would stick to it.

I love my boss, he is almost always a good boss, but that was a bad decision. I work hard, very hard, and for a wage I would rather not mention. I have saved my boss' ass countless times, recruited some good workers, and still I am underhanded like this. It really does piss me off. Question, is what do I do about it?

They got me!

I knew this would happen, but I didn't think my family would recruit my bartender! To make a long story short, Nick (the bartender from the bar next door to where I work) came in and ordered a pizza. He comes back ten minutes later and asks me to come next door because he wanted to "show me something." In the past that was always his way of saying, "Hey, thanks for the free pizza, come next door for a sec and I'll give ya a free shot."

With a smile on my face I marched next door, only to find that he wanted to show me the band aid he found in his pizza. I can only imagine the look of disgust that took over my face as I apologized. You want to know the worst part? Just as I realized this could be an april fools joke my entire family jumped up around me and yelled, "April fools."

Ok, so they have done better, but you never think your own bartender will turn on you until he does, and that day is a very sad and dark day.

Happy April Fools...

I have a few things planned. I'm going to glue quarters with apoxy to the sidewalk in front of the store and spend the whole day watching people try to pick it up. I also made a dough hole repair kit (if you have ever worked at a pizza place you'll get it), and I have a few other things planned. It's going to be a good day, as long as no one pranks me...